


Coffee Boyfriend // robertidk x reader fluff

by 0ntario



Category: youtuber
Genre: Childhood Friends, Fluff, Multi, Romance, Wholesome, YouTubers - Freeform, i don’t know how to use tags, inseperable friends, robertidk x reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27761188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0ntario/pseuds/0ntario
Summary: Robert and River had been best friends since they were teenagers - it would’ve been since childhood, but their friendship then was actually more of a rivalry due to their parents being rivals in their careers. when they both started forming their own opinions they apologised for everything that they’d said and done to eachother prior.“why do you always do these things?” robert said, unable to refrain from raising his voice. he didn’t like raising his voice towards his friends with angered intentions. it made him feel... horrible. vile. disgusted with himself.“because i love you!” in the heat of the moment, River had just let those words slip out of their mouth. growing up in the homophobic town they both did, neither of them knew practically nothing of what it felt like to be LGBTQ+, apart from River’s experiences of being nonbinary. it seemed far-fetched and taboo to feel such a way, but what if this was the reason they were arguing? what if they were both just confused? is that why?from that day forth, the world seemed perceptible when before it was a blur of incoherence. River felt like they had just opened their eyes for the first time - and the feeling seemed to be mutual.
Kudos: 1





	1. where it all began

**Author's Note:**

> hi! iss me, Evan! in this story, river is a nonbinary pansexual.
> 
> the ending of this story is rooted in death and may trigger panic or anxiety attacks in those who are made uncomfortable by depersonalisation and such things linked to it. i cant say much more than that because of spoilers, but if things like “fourth wall”-breaking aspects make you uncomfortable, i recommend leaving now. continue with caution :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.

_ **Current POV: robertidk** _

River, my best friend, and at times, my enemy. we were neighbours as kids, and back then we were mortal enemies. we thought we’d never grow out of that phase, i guess. my dad was running a rival company to their dad’s and were always fighting. i guess that’s why me and River fought all the time. as we grew up we formed our own opinions and we stopped fighting, apart from the occasional fight that all friends have at some point in their friendship. we considered ourselves good friends, nothing more. our town was _very_ conservative - and i mean _very very_ conservative. homophobic, transphobic, racist, the lot. i never agreed with any of the views anyone in our town had but i couldn’t speak up about it because oh, my! god forbid anyone be a decent human being, right?

i had always considered myself to be a straight cis man. I never really questioned myself, but I accepted anyone when they came out to me, including River. that seemed to be the one thing we could agree on before we became friends. i guess growing up in this discriminatory environment had me suppress feelings i never knew i had in the first place, and i guess River was the same for reasons that you’ll learn about later. just be patient.


	2. the beginning of his organised chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> river will be referred to with they/them pronouns, which in turn means i will specify when i’m referring to river or both of them :)
> 
> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.

_**No POV** _

Robert and River had been best friends since they were teenagers. they had met in elementary school but they’d been enemies since they first met. their parents just happened to work in opposing, rivalling jobs, so naturally, being the impressionable children anyone would’ve been, they were also rivals - that is, until they were hit with adolescence and they began to form their own opinions. one specific event happened on a friday afternoon after the last class of the day.

”Hey, Robert!”

robert spun on his heel. “oh, hey river.” he said calmly, smiling at them. he’d just come back from getting his guitar from the music classroom.

“wanna go to the park for a bit?” they smiled back.

robert hesitated. since childhood, he’d never really spoken to river, aside from giving them a wave whenever the two passed eachother in the hallways or across the street.

”hello?” they waved their hand in front of robert’s face, and he came out of his daze.

”huh? oh, sure.” he chuckled a bit at himself. he swung the guitar on his shoulder and off the two teenagers went to the park.

they soon arrived and sat down on the swings. river took out their phone, and robert took the guitar out of its case and got comfortable - as comfortable as he _could_ get. the park swings weren’t exactly comfortable. robert played a gentle, soft tune, which he soon got lost in and made it seem almost as if he was carried away by the music and lost control; but not like the connotations of ‘lost control’ would make it seem. it was as if his hands had minds of their own.

”that’s pretty.” river said in response to the slow tune robert was playing.

”hm-?” robert hummed inquisitively, although he didn’t stop playing, and never took his eyes off of the acoustic guitar he was holding gently.

”what you’re playing.”

”oh, thanks.” he smiled softly, stopping for a second and looking up at River. “you got anything you want me to play?”

”hmm...” river thought to themself for a second. “teenage dirtbag!” they said excitedly.

”alright, i’m still learning this one though.” he said through a laugh and looked down at his guitar as he started playing again.

river was sitting there, zoned out but still listening to the sound of the acoustic guitar. they looked at robert and looking at his features; the way his eyes were the colour of blueberries, and when the light hit them just right, they’d glisten in such a way that’s so impossible to describe that the only way you’d know what it looks like would be to see it for yourself.

”you good?” robert said, laughing a bit. river hadn’t realised he stopped playing.

river came back to reality. ”yeah, that was really good! i think you should turn music into a career, you’re a great singer.”

”maybe i will, i don’t know.”

* * *

the two high-school seniors were out until sunset. it was 7pm and robert put his guitar away. “it’s getting dark. maybe we should head home.” he said, with a small frown. “this was fun. i like hanging out with you.” he said and picked up his things. river nodded in agreement.

”yeah. are you free next week? we could go to that pizza place down the street from here or something.”

”sounds like a plan! i’ll see you on monday, River.”

”see ya, robert!”

they both went their separate ways with some sort of energetic feeling, except it felt different than normal. it felt like sparks of excitement, the kind of feeling you get on christmas eve.


	3. professional parties and suddenly angry arguments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.

robert arrived at River’s house. they didn’t live far away from eachother, which meant that robert was able to walk there. river smiled a bit and stepped to the side, allowing robert to come in.

”welcome to my hell of a home.” river chuckled a bit, to which robert laughed in response.

robert greeted river’s parents and then the two went off to do their own thing. they weren’t really talking much, just hanging out in the living room. robert was focused on the classical music playing in the background, not wanting to get involved in any of the overtly discriminatory and hateful things the so-called ‘adults’ were talking about. River wasn’t having any of it, though. They got involved with the whole thing. Robert sighed and gestured to them so the two could talk alone - they stood in the stairwell.

“problem?” river asked, clearly trying to suppress their anger.

”uh... a little.” robert said, trying not to make them angrier. “maybe this wouldn’t be the best thing to challenge them on. you might accidentally out yourself your something.” he didn’t have bad intentions by this. he was just trying to protect his friend.

”i don’t need your protection, Robert! don’t try and censor me when i’m trying to stand up for my rights!”

”im sorry! i just don’t want you to get kicked out, or worse!”

this argument was a back-and-forth, full-blown argument. of course, they didn’t actually have a physical fight. there was something in robert’s mind that told him that he couldn’t hurt River in any way, even if they hurt him. it was almost like he was being controlled; but if it meant that he and river wouldn’t become strangers, he was fine with it and never even questioned it. however, that’d later turn out to be one of his biggest mistakes.

river ended up going a little too far with their defence and robert sighed. he wanted to yell but he just couldn’t - not at river. “i think i’m done here.” he said and walked out without another word, not to river nor their parents. he walked to his own home - he’d just moved out of his parents’ and had his own house to himself, and he hadn’t finished unpacking yet. he walked into his room, changed into a sweater and jeans (something a lot less formal than what he was wearing before), and picked up the guitar in the corner of the room, the only thing in the room he’d taken out of the box, aside from clothes, which were laid out neatly folded and piled up by the wall, categorised into shirts, sweaters and hoodies, and so forth. he played a random melody, nothing in particular, in the middle of the room that had its perimeter almost entirely full of boxes that were stacked to be as tall as himself - who stood at 5’8 at the time, slightly shorter compared to his other male classmates - and that calmed him down enough to pick up his phone after about 10 minutes of pure hesitation and regret and text river.

 **> Robert: **hey, i’m sorry, that was a stupid argument

 **> River: **i’m sorry too, i went too far, i sorta lost control ;-;

 **> Robert: **we all do sometimes, it’s ok

 **> Robert: **are we still on for monday?

 **> River: **you bet we are :> ****


	4. Mini Mondays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol do u like my pun in the chapter name  
> this chapter has the best effect when listening to “don’t cry, craft” by robertidk :)
> 
> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.

“you always order black coffee.”

robert tilted his head to the side, a small smile riddled with confusion rising on his face. “and?” he said through a laugh.

”i don’t know. just an observation.” river shrugged.

”alright.”

“what should we do today, considering we’re off for summer break now?” river asked, continuing to eat their pizza.

”hm... maybe we could stop over at mine. i’ve been meaning to unpack but i keep getting distracted.” he chuckled a bit from embarrassment. “i think having you there will help me i guess.”

“thats very nice of you to say, Robert.”

the two had sat in silence while they ate, not knowing what to say. they finished eating and went to robert’s house. they both started with unpacking the bedroom.

”oh, wow...” robert could be heard muttering to himself in awe at the old games in front of him that brought back a nostalgic feeling.

but that nostalgic feeling felt forced, and so did the memories. his memories of playing those games were so clear in his mind, it was as if he was remembering someone else’s childhood. robert spent a while zoned out staring into the corner thinking about this when he heard the distant sound of pages turning, yet all of the books were in the living room and river was still unpacking. “one second.” he said, snapping out of his daydream and peaking his head out of his bedroom door, leaning forward so he could get a good view - no one was in the living room.

“everything alright robert?” river asked with genuine concern in their voice, but still unpacking.

”yeah... i just heard pages of a book turning.”

”that’s strange... i didn’t. maybe you’re just being paranoid.”

”maybe you’re right.” he sighed and went back to unpacking, as distracted as he was when he was doing so.

a few hours pass and they’ve finished the bedroom and the living room. “thanks for helping me, river.” robert smiled and leaned against the doorframe, placing his hands in his pockets.

”no problem. it was nice hanging out with you. you’re chill.”

”i’m chill? that’s not me you were talking to.” robert joked, but he felt an emotion come over him as soon as he said ‘that’s not me.’ it wasn’t love, that’s for sure, get your head out of the cliché gutter. it was an emotion of being unreal and non-existent. not so much as an out-of-body experience but it was enough to freak him out. he zoned out once again. river put their hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him to get him out of yet another daze.

”Robert.” they said, a concerned look in their eyes. “you’re spacing out a lot recently. is anything bothering you?”

“huh? what? oh, no. i’m fine.”

”alright, but know i’m here for you.”

“i know. thank you. but i promise i’m fine.” he gave a small reassuring smile to accompany his statement. he gently took river’s hand, with no intentions of romance or making them flustered, yet they still got that way anyway. “oh, that’s so cute.” he laughed.

”s-shut up!” river laughed nervously and looked down. robert took his hand away and they stood in silence for a while - but this time it was a silence the two had never really experienced between eachother. it was a blissful silence as opposed to their normal awkward silence.

”wanna take a break for a bit?” he suggested, sitting down on the floor and leaning against the wall. the two were quite tired from unpacking.

”yeah, why not.” river said and sat next to robert.

they both liked the quiet setting in the room that was once lively. in fact, they were both quite tired from moving.

robert started to hear music. very faintly, but it was there.

picked up the guitar in his lap and played along to the tune he could hear. it was so familiar, yet so blurred in his mind. almost as if he’d heard the song in a past life... or even made it. he could even pick up some of the lyrics; “craft... british... frown...”

robert hadn’t noticed but river had fallen asleep with their head on his shoulder. it took him a second to get used to it but when he did he smiled a little and put the guitar down. he closed his eyes although didn’t intend to sleep. he tried to focus his thoughts off of the faint music, but he just couldn’t. he opened his eyes and looked upwards - that’s where he heard the music coming from. he suddenly felt small, like a figment of someone’s imagination.

you started to feel weird, as if someone in your head was talking directly to you - the voice was saying something along the lines of:

”i don’t know who you are. could you give me a sign if you’re there?”


	5. sudden show-ups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please be warned that there will be homophobia and transphobia/enbyphobia mentioned in this chapter, if that makes you uncomfortable then i recommend skipping this one :)
> 
> percentages will begin to be included at the beginning and end of the chapters - they have significance which will be revealed in the final chapter, although indirectly. thank u gea for giving me this idea lol
> 
> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.
> 
> there will be an explanation of the storyline in an “epilogue” type chapter which will just be me explaining everything for those who don’t get it :)

5.6%

robert was making a snack for himself - he’d just finished unpacking the boxes for the living room, and it was about midnight. he still had college applications to do but he decided to wait until he was able to properly focus on it. he was about to start eating when he heard a knock at the door. he put down his sandwich and tilted his head in slight confusion. he wasn’t expecting anything or anyone, not to mention the fact he wasn’t expecting to see River crying, soaked from being in the rain, even though it was the middle of summer.

”can i stay with you for a while? i mean, if it’s not too much trouble, i know you’re still unpacking and you probably have applications to do and your own life to get on with and you don’t need me there to bother you or get in the way but-“ the words seemed to fall out of River’s mouth, as if they couldn’t control themself.

it took robert a second to process what they had just said.

”woah, woah, woah, slow down. come inside.” he gently took their hand and took them inside. he shut the front door when River was inside the house. “alright, did you pack any clothes in that suitcase you brought?”

river nodded.

”alright, i’ll make you some food, go to the bathroom and change or you’ll catch a cold.”

river walked into the bathroom, wiping tears from their face. robert frowned. he hated seeing his friends upset, and he always has. he made a sandwich for River, setting the two down on the coffee table he’d just built in the living room. river soon came out in a black t-shirt, a flannel shirt that robert had _‘lost’_ and a pair of jeans.

”is that mine?” robert chuckled a bit. he was referring to the flannel shirt, of course.

river looked down at the red-checkered flannel. they looked back up but not directly into robert’s eyes like they normally would. they nodded.

”come sit down with me and tell me what’s going on, River. you’re clearly upset about something.”

”it’s just...”

there was a long pause, broken by robert’s assurance.

”it’s okay, take your time.” he said and gave them a genuine look.

”i got kicked out.” they blurted out with a shaky voice. tears welled up in their eyes again. robert’s expression immediately turned to a mix of sorrow, frustration (with their parents) and shock.

”oh my god, river, i’m so sorry.” he pulled them into a hug. “you can stay here as long as you need, alright?”

“really?” they mumbled with disbelief. robert nodded.

“of course. anything for my friends.” robert paused. “do they know now? about the whole... non-binary deal? please, feel no pressure to answer. just curious.”

”i- yeah, i just... they started yelling at me, lecturing me about how there’s ‘only two genders’ and whatnot. they shoved this suitcase together and told me to leave-“ river’s voice started to break.

”it’s okay. you’re safe. you’re with me now, alright? they can’t get to you here.”

river sighed. “i’m sorry.”

”you have nothing to be sorry for.” robert smiled reassuringly. “i really don’t mind helping you out like this. now, i haven’t set up the guest room yet, but i can quickly put together the bed in there. feel free to have a bit of a roam around.”

”alright, thank you.” river said; they were calmed down by robert’s soft tone of voice. robert got up and walked into the guest bedroom and shut the door. he looked for the boxes with the parts of the bed in it and grabbed the toolbox.

a couple hours later, robert finished building and making the bed and he walked back into the living room again, only to find river curled up on the couch with their glasses on, reading a book. he smiled softly to himself.

 _wait. no. that’s not right._ he thought to himself, snapping out of whatever kind of trance he was in. _i’m not into them._

“hey buddy.” robert stood behind the back of his couch with his forearms perched on top of it, holding him up. he ensured to keep his soft tone of voice, although it started to become a bit more of a sleepy voice. it was now early hours in the morning - around 2 AM.

”hm?” river hummed, finishing the last sentence of the chapter and closing the book. they took off their glasses and looked up. “oh, hey there.”

”you sound happier.”

”reading makes me happy. so do you, but you weren’t here.”

robert smiled a bit more. he always liked to hear that he makes people happy.

”i never had the attention span for reading. i’m glad it makes you happy though.” they locked eyes and stayed that way for a while before standing up straight again. “alright, i’m gonna go to bed. come and get me if you need anything.” he walked into his bedroom and shut the door, changing into a dinosaur onesie to sleep - and as much as he tried to sleep, he kept hearing whispers. whispers, laughing, giggling, muttering. it wasn’t river, it couldn’t have been. he felt like someone was telling him that it wasn’t river. it felt like he was being controlled and he wasn’t having it. he got up, turned his light on and sat at his desk, beginning to write multiple theories and ideas down. he needed answers.

how could you do this to him? can’t you see he’s in pain?

5.6% -> 8.3%


	6. Trouble, but this time it’s different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from now on, hints to the ending will be marked in bold.
> 
> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.

10%

robert happened to fall asleep at his desk, and didn’t happen to wake at his usual time, no, it was much later than normal. the light from midday’s blinding summer sun shone through the window, tinting the room a discreet, pale yellow. he woke up from a gentle knock and River’s voice. ”robert?” they called. “it’s midday and i haven’t seen you all day. this isn’t like you. everything okay in there?”

robert’s head practically shot up. he scrambled for a response. “um, yeah! just... just tired, that’s all.” he knew he couldn’t say anything to them about his theories, because if he was wrong, they’d think he was insane, and if he was right, they’d literally break. emphasis on literally. either way, he couldn’t afford to hint at it in the slightest. he closed his notepad, put his hood down and opened the door, not bothering to fix his hair. river looked at the closed notepad.

”up all night writing lyrics again?” they said with a smile.

”yeah.” robert responded. of course, that was a lie. robert suddenly remembered something. “hey, that reminds me. i have a show at a coffee house if you’d be interested in going to it.”

“absolutely!” they exclaimed. “i assume you’re gonna be practicing a lot then?”

”yeah, quite a bit.” he sighed, looking at the guitar that was leaning idly against the bed. he was dreading how many hours he’d spend playing, how much his fingers would hurt after from playing chords, how frustrated he’d get, and don’t even get him started on distractions.

**_‘hello? is anyone there?’_ he thought to himself before he tried to edge these thoughts off of his brain. you felt a tingle up your spine and it seemed as if the book was... talking to you. okay, maybe not the book itself, but you heard something, and it was definitely a character in the book. there was no way it wasn’t.**

”robert, you’re zoned out again.”

”right... sorry. i’m still a bit tired.” he chuckled a bit. “how’d you sleep, anyway?” he said, walking into the kitchen to make himself lunch.

“better than sleeping at my parents’.”

”glad to hear it, River. um, do you want any coffee?”

”nah, i’m stocked up on caffeine already.” they laughed a bit and held up the can of Monster that they were currently drinking.

“ah, i see.” robert smiled. he conversed with River for a while as he made his food. “well, i’m off to practice. pray for me.” he joked, and River chuckled. he went back in his room and shut the door. he wasn’t going to practice, not right now. he couldn’t - he was way too preoccupied.

after a couple hours of staring at the mind map he’d started the night before, those couple hours of which he was occasionally writing stuff down, he looked at the guitar. “well, i might as well get it over with.” he mumbled and sat down on his bed, picking it up, and just as he touched the guitar, he **suddenly began to hear more music - a different song from before, except it wasn’t his.**

**_‘hm... never shout never. not a bad choice.’ he thought with a small smile on his face. ‘you have good taste.’_ **

**there was an old myth that you and your soulmate were connected by music, and whenever someone listened to or played music, your soulmate would hear it. the thing is, everyone had both a platonic soulmate and a romantic soulmate, and there would be almost no way to tell who is which, apart from whether or not you had romantic feelings for one soulmate and purely platonic feelings for the other. robert couldn’t lie, he sort of believed it. maybe not fully, but he had a gut feeling.**

robert began to play the guitar, and **just as you read that line, you heard it. you heard the guitar, didn’t you?**

days pass and it’s finally time for him to go perform. over a t-shirt, he puts on a grey sweater to complement his dark blue jeans, then swings his acoustic guitar over his shoulder. he fixes up his hair and knocks on River’s door. “you ready to go?”

”yep, just about...” they say, finishing up their eyeliner. they were dressed in quite a grunge way, and just like every outfit they wore, they executed it perfectly.

”alright, let’s go.” robert walked towards the door. he contemplated complimenting their outfit, but based on the way they acted when he did so little as to hold their hand, and even then, not in a romantic way, he decided it may have been a little too forward. robert walked out the door and got into his car. river got in the other side. he turned on the engine.

“excited? nervous? how’re you feeling?”

”im just hoping i don’t mess it up.” although, that statement would later apply to a different event - **quite close in the near future, actually.**

“i’m sure you won’t, don’t worry. i’ve heard you practicing.”

robert’s eyes widened with slight embarrassment spread across his face. “is... is that so?” he responded, attempting - yet failing - to act normal. river giggled. robert drove out of his parking spot and sighed, shaking off the feeling. “i’m not used to having people listen to me play, let alone play and sing. it’s alright, though. hopefully today will help me.” a small smile crept across his face.

”that’s the spirit!” river cheered. “i think you’ll be famous one day!”

”you _think?_ ” he joked, the smile on his face morphing into a grin.

”oh, shut up!” river laughed. robert looked at them and something hit him like a truck - a wave of bright colours, a wave that made it feel like an anvil was on his chest, but for the first time in his life, he didn’t mind it. it was a wave of... no, it couldn’t have been love.

could it?

**wow. this is probably the first time he’s spaced out for a reason that wasn’t you. he can finally take a break from your looming presence. maybe chill out on that, alright? i know you’re invested, but you’re hurting him. just stop. trust me, something bad is going to happen if you don’t just stop reading.**

river tilted their head to the side. it seemed almost as if the two shared a brain, because river was thinking the exact same thing.

”holy crap dude, you’ve been zoning out more than me recently, and that’s saying something.”

”what? oh. well, i’m just nervous, i guess.” he said, although he wasn’t able to keep a small smile off his face. he parked in the parking lot and turned off the engine. he rested his forearm on the steering wheel, while the other dropped to his side. he sighed, looking over at river again, who was zoned out looking directly at robert. “river, we’re here buddy.” their eyes immediately averted from robert’s gaze. they snapped out of their trance.

”i just zoned out, it’s not like you’re attractive or anything.” river laughed, making it clear they were joking.

”uh-huh, yeah, okay.” he responded with an air of sarcasm about it. “if you say so.”

“oh, shut up, i can hear your ego inflating over the sound of your voice.”

“no you can’t!” robert quickly retorted, however lightheartedly.

there was a long pause, and both of the two young adults were making direct eye contact. this lasted for half a minute to a minute, although it’s hard to say since it felt like forever. a kind of forever that you would’ve wished was real.

“oh, right, the... yeah.” robert stumbled over his words, blushing ever so slightly. he looked down a little and swept his hair to the side in an attempt to hide the shade of pink that had spread across his face, and once again, he found it impossible to exile the smile off his face. he got out of the car and grabbed the guitar from the backseat. river got out of the car, still processing what just happened.

no-one really knew how long had passed since robert began performing - considering how much he was interacting with the audience, everyone was having too much fun to bother to check the time. he just knew that he had two songs left to play.

”alright, you guys ever played mario kart?”

the audience cheered.

”well, this song is called bohemian rhapsody!”

an eruption of laughter burst out in the sea of faces that were obscured by the spotlight shining directly into his eyes.

”nah, i’m kidding. this is the mario kart love song.”

even though the audience cheered just as loud, it sounded muffled as he spotted River in the 100 or so people that were there. river gave him a wave, returned by robert. he felt like everything was drowned out when he was with river. after a few seconds he returned his gaze to the guitar once again, and started playing.

he finally ended by playing ‘your biggest fan’ by never shout never, and walked off stage. he met with river again in the parking lot.

”That was so good, Robbie, you-“

”wait.” he laughed. river seemed confused. “did you just call me robbie?”

“no, what’re you talking about?” they shrugged.

”it’s fine! i just- you’ve never called me that before.”

”i didn’t call you robbie!” they laughed.

they got home, and robert made dinner for the two of them. they sat down together once he was done and started eating.

robert attempted to break the silence that infiltrated the atmosphere in the room. ”you know, if you wanted to have a staring contest, you can just ask. you don’t need to **drop hints** like you did before you came out to me. or, if it’s a picture you’re looking for, i have a lot of better ones.”

”wh- huh?” river snapped out of another gaze from their eyes that had slight longing hinted in them. “i- oh, just shut up.” they responded, slightly embarrassed. robert laughed, which deepened the slight tint across River’s face to a darker pink. robert settled down a bit and continued eating.

“sorry. it’s just so cute seeing you flustered-“ robert immediately stopped himself, attempting to play it off as if that was the end of his sentence. he began internally panicking. _‘oh god. i’m never speaking again. what the hell. what the hell. what. the. hell. why would i say that? that’s not like me at all...’_

“hold on, you think what?”

”im joking! i’m joking.” he chuckled lightly, although that was a complete lie.

”alright... i believe you.” river replied through a tone of skepticism. “i think.”

**why are you still here?** ****

20%


	7. fake dates, real feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.
> 
> tw / mention of anxiety attacks

30%

**how can one person be so stubborn? leave. this might just be fiction to you, but they feel pain. and he... you’re causing a crisis.**

robert hummed softly to the tune of Hopelessly Devoted to You as he worked on a college application - his last one, and he was almost done. just as he finished writing, there was a knock on his door.

”robert?”

he got up and opened his door. “hey, what’s up?” he smiled, pulling up a spare chair that was against the wall until he moved it.

”this is kind of a weird request, but i kind of need you to go as...” they hesitated.

”it’s not even halloween yet-“

”i need you to go as my fake boyfriend to a wedding. my sister is getting married, and my mom has been pressuring me to have someone to bring, and when i told them i’d bring my boyfriend, said boyfriend i don’t have, they asked who he was... i panicked and said your name.”

”oh.”

”’oh’? that’s it?” river seemed a bit relieved that robert didn’t have an outburst.

”i mean, sure, i’m always happy to help out a friend, you know me. but... how are you going to be sure you won’t catch feelings for real?” he said with a type of intimidating yet flirty gaze, a nonsensical oxymoron in just a simple action.

yet, it just made... so much sense, in both of their minds.

“i’m just kidding. of course i’ll go with you. we flirt enough anyway, we won’t even have to act at this point.” he shrugged and got up, grabbing his guitar from his bed and sitting back down. “wanna hear something?”

river was still phased by the genuine comment made by robert about their flirting.

“oh, come on, is that all it takes for you? i cant imagine how meeting your celebrity crush would go if this is how easily _I_ can make you blush, muffin.”

 _‘muffin? where did that come from?’_ robert thought to himself. he’d never called anyone that, ever. in his entire life. **it felt like someone was controlling his speech.**

”shut up!”

the two burst out laughing. the guitar emitted a soft hum as robert took his wrist off of the strings. “alright, but seriously, what do you want to hear?” robert gently knocked on the guitar with his knuckles, so gently that the guitar made no noise.

”i don’t know. maybe you could teach me,” river suggested. “i’ve always wanted to learn how to play guitar.”

robert froze. the room fell silent. “i don’t have a second guitar, and if you didn’t bring one when you came to stay with me...” he stopped again, implying that the experience may end up being a bit awkward.

”it’s not a problem.”

”alright.” robert handed the guitar to them, along with a small plastic pick. “you gotta give me a song you wanna learn, though. i’m not the best at teaching.”

the two threw a few suggestions for songs into the room and they just decided on something simple - yourbiggestfan by never shout never, the same song he played a week or two ago. he got the chords up on his laptop screen. “alright, so, there’s only 3 chords to this song. it should be pretty easy.” he shrugged. river looked at the chords with a lost look on their face. robert shook his head a bit and chuckled. “i know, it seems daunting. alright, watch.” he gently took the guitar from river and played the chords one by one, talking to them about what he was doing. “alright, now you try. take your time with it, we all have to start somewhere.” river smiled a bit and nodded, taking the guitar. they put their fingers onto the right strings in the right frets and as they brushed the pick over the strings. the guitar produced a melodic note. river looked up at robert, who gave them a small smile. “okay, now G.”

this went on for what was left of the day, and well into the night. of course, they took breaks, but for the entire second half of the day, they were inseparable. robert liked it that way, and so, it seems, did River.

“so, when’s this fake date of ours taking place?” robert asked. river silently questioned how he could be so calm, but they responded to his question.

”a couple of days. the, uh, the 18th.”

”alright, sounds good.” robert yawned and rested his cheek on his hand, sighing and closing his eyes. “are you not tired? i can stay up longer if you like. i don’t know if you’re still shaken up from being kicked out...” he opened his eyes again. “i just want to make you feel comfortable, y’know? and if that means staying up all night just to comfort you, you know damn well i’m gonna do it.” he laughed softly, although his statement was entirely genuine.

”you’re too sweet, robert. i knew it was going to happen, i just didn’t think it’d be this early.” robert listened attentively, despite the drowsiness conquering his brain.

”i’m gonna go make some coffee, maybe we should play board games.” he said and went into the kitchen, leaving river in the room on their own. they looked around at the room from where they were sat, looking at how he’d decorated. it was like a young teenager’s bedroom - most people would say it had a safe haven feel to it, and river was one of those people.

robert walked back in his room after a while and set down his coffee mug on the table over a coaster. “alright, let’s see what we have here.” he said and walked over to the bookshelf by his bed, picking out Ludo, chess (which he had no idea how to play, but he knew river did) and dungeons and dragons. he laid them out on the floor and sat down, grabbing his mug and coaster and moving them to the floor. “alright, what should we start with?”

they played games until the early hours of the morning. it was 3am by the time they stopped.

”alright, i’m tired, i’m gonna go to bed.” river said, and stood up. robert packed away the board games.

”okay, i’ll see you tomorrow.”

robert was suddenly pulled into river’s embrace. “thank you for tonight, you really helped me out by keeping me company.”

”hey, hey, it’s okay! you know what i said before. i’d stay up all night if it meant making sure you were okay. i always will.”

river broke the hug to look at him. they looked nervous, like they wanted to say something, but decided against it. rather, they just nodded and smiled. robert returned the smile and put the board games back on the shelf. “oh, by the way, i found somewhere to stay. thank you for letting me stay for a week or so.”

”it’s no problem.” he smiled.

river left the room, and robert changed, turned off his light and layed down in bed. questions began to envelop his mind, ones that wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t allow him an ounce of sleep, wouldn’t spare the slightest sliver of mercy on his groggy mind. questions such as,

_‘do they feel the same?’_

_’am i seriously falling for them? no, that’s... it can’t be.’_

_’what were they going to say?’_

he muttered a sentence under his breath - “i promise you this - i’ll always look out for you.”

 **he was never one to make promises he couldn’t keep** , but sometimes it’s just... **out of your control.**

the day of the wedding came and river had since moved out. robert was... oddly nervous. why? that fact was unbeknownst to him. it was a fake date so river could get their parents off their case, but he felt like it was a real date.

_‘no. we’re just really good friends, that’s why.’_

he banished the thoughts from his confused mind and robert finished getting ready. he didn’t wear anything too formal. a white polo shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, black tie and a pair of jeans - a mix of both informal and formal. he grabbed his phone, keys and wallet and got in his car. the place river found was quite close to robert’s, so the drive was shorter. he parked and stopped the car, leaving his forearm on the steering wheel and using his other hand to text river that he’d arrived.

as it turns out, river had the same idea when they were picking their outfit. river got into the car. “i’m sorry if this ends up being a bit awkward.”

”it’s alright, i’ve done stuff like this for friends before. it’s nothing new to me.”

 _friends._ why does it sound so wrong to call them friends all of a sudden? it wasn’t like that yesterday...

“if i do something you’re uncomfortable with, just tap my shoulder and i’ll stop.” he said, starting up the car again. suddenly, for no apparent reason, the reassurance he said to himself last night came to mind.

”alright, but i don’t think that’ll be necessary.“ they joked.

”what does that mean?” he said, raising an eyebrow and looking at them, attempting to hold off the smirk that was making its way onto his face. there was a short air of silence. “okay, good, we’re off to a good start with the acting part.” he laughed and looked back at the road, quietly sighing with relief.

 _‘jeez... could you be more obvious, robert?’_ he mentally criticised himself. _‘acting... pshhh. i don’t even have to act with how transparent i’m being with all of this.’_

he began driving. “i, uh...” he fought the panic-stricken criticisms off his mind and thought of something to say. “i brought snacks, they’re in the back seat. i wanted to bring chocolate, but it’s hot out and i don’t have a cooler, so i just brought cookies.”

river nodded and took out their phone. most of the two hour drive was in complete silence.

when they’d arrived at the venue, robert mentally braced himself for what was about to happen. brief flashbacks of a few afternoons ago flashed across his mind.

_“how are you going to be sure you won’t catch feelings for real?”_

that was robert. robert said that, but he now feared it may be the other way around.

about halfway into the event, only sharing a few words between the two, river finally spoke, “god, it’s the middle of summer, why does there have to be so many people here?”

”i know, right?”

”hey, that looks quite empty over there,” they pointed to the pool table. “up for some pool?”

“oh, prepare to be absolutely destroyed.” he said, grasping the other’s hand and pulling them over to the table excitedly. he was like a child. not child _ish,_ child _like._ big difference. and as it turns out, the hand holding was just a natural sense now. to robert, at least. river wasn’t uncomfortable, but needless to say they were still getting used to it. robert went to the wall and picked up a cue, and so did river. “aw, the cue is almost as tall as you!” robert said, earning a playful eye roll from river. they set up the table and robert started. more people began to gather round that area and it got hot again. he wiped his brow and set the cue on the table. “alright, we should probably go socialise.”

”sure, i guess.” they shrugged. they didn’t seem too thrilled.

”okay?” robert said with a tone of confusion. he didn’t understand the certain mood change. “i guess i’ll talk to you in a bit then.” he shrugged and began walking off before river grabbed his arm.

”don’t.”

”what do you mean, ‘don’t’?”

”we could blow our cover. or you could out me to the rest of the family. or you could-“

”hey, listen to me, look at me.” robert said, softening his tone to a more reassuring one. “i promise i won’t.”

”can we, uh... talk outside?” river said, quieter than normal, looking cautiously to the side. robert looked in that direction, and there she was - river’s mother. “besides, this could escalate, knowing our track history...”

they got outside.

”it won’t escalate.”

”how do you know that?”

”because i won’t let it.”

”listen, i know you think it’ll be easy for you to not mess our cover up but believe me, it’s harder than you think.”

”i can handle it! just because i act like a child doesn’t mean you have to treat me like one!”

_‘don’t let it escalate, robert.’_

“who said i was treating you like a child?”

_’you can do this. just keep calm...’_

“the way you...”

”’the way you’ what? care about you? care about this friendship?”

_‘oh god, it’s escalating.’_

“i... that’s not what i meant! you just...”

”oh, so it’s a ‘me’ problem?”

_‘this is the point of no return, robert. don’t say what you want to say, don’t do it...’_

“why do you always do this?”

once again, he couldn’t bring himself to raise his voice.

_‘oh god, i said it...’_

”because i love you!” river yelled. “and i don’t want you to get hurt.”

that was the stopping point for both of them.

robert was completely shocked. “maybe we should... head home...”

river couldn’t even talk. they just nodded, and they got in the car. the whole two hour drive was in complete silence, but the silence wasn’t pleasant like before, and it started to feel like five hours. not a word was spoken, not even when robert dropped river off. robert drove home, parked and pulled his tie so it was looser around his neck. he unbuttoned the top button so he could take a deep breath, resting his elbows on the steering wheel and putting his head in his hands. slow deep breaths that were supposed to ease his spinning head turned into sharp, shallow breaths and an anxiety attack. a short one, but a gruelling one. tears rolled down his face. he stepped out the car and shut the door. he took his things inside. his body trembled. his cheeks flushed red from the heat. his shirt now unevenly tucked, sleeves disproportionately angled. he changed into the quickest thing he could find, a white shirt and sweatpants, and laid down, an arm over his forehead. he didn’t bother to wipe the sweat off his forehead. he laid there motionless, closing his eyes, trying to reach for the slightest bit of sleep he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a short rant to do here, nothing overly negative but feel free to skip this, it’s not pertinent to the story -
> 
> i think this is as far as i’ve ever gotten with writing one story. i think why i wasn’t able to do it before is because i was trying to force ideas because i wanted to write, but i feel like because this plot and just general idea for this story just came to me and i didn’t try to force it (also this is a trope i’ve always loved,) it’s easier for me to persevere with and not just give up on it. also my friend gea is super invested in the story even though they already know what the ending is so i would feel bad giving up on it if i ever considered it. i’m actually interested to see how i’m gonna write the ending - i have an idea but i never plan my stories. plans are a waste of time to me, because i never end up sticking to them.
> 
> i hope you’re enjoying the story so far! i’m probably going to do 13-17 chapters, but i dont know if i’ll be able to come up with enough chapter ideas for over 17. i do want to keep this going for as long as possible though, because again, i really love fourth-wall breaking stories and tropes. i’ll try not to make the story drag on for too long.
> 
> i’ve been trying to write at least a little bit every day, but obviously between school with me being in year 9 (8th grade for you americans + canadians), which is the start of the 3 GCSE years, it’ll be harder for me to do that especially since i’ve been wanting to get better at revising :p
> 
> these next chapters will hopefully start to make stuff clearer in relation to the ending. i still don’t know how i’m gonna do certain parts of it lmao
> 
> ANYWAY that’s the end of this chapter! there’ll be like 5-7 more or so (not including an epilogue where i’ll explain the ending for those who don’t necessarily understand it). any writing tips or feedback is greatly appreciated, but please remember to keep it constructive. this is a negativity-free zone 🙃


	8. confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.
> 
> possible tw for swearing

40%

night one brought him dark thoughts.

night two brought him... nothing.

night three brought him his lack of motive.

night four brought him this;

try rolling over.

nothing.

try sleeping face down.

nothing.

nothing, nothing at all.

nothing worked that night, nor the past few nights. he hadn’t spoken to anyone since the wedding. no one, not since the wedding, he hadn’t gone out in public. he hadn’t done anything except eat, write lyrics and continue questioning his existence. **please stop. he has enough on his mind already, just... please stop bothering him.** he hadn’t checked his phone. he hadn’t done anything at all. he felt... dead.

it was 2 o’ clock in the morning and once again, he couldn’t sleep. his hair was matted with sweat that had emerged from his skin, beckoned by the undying, blistering heat. his blanket was on the floor.

he got up with a quiet grunt filling the silence. _malevolent._

he shuffled wearily into the kitchen. he grabbed a glass and filled it with water. _futile._

he downed the whole glass and five more in the span of a minute. _mindless._

“fuck.” he growled lowly, sitting on the counter and holding his head in his hands. he breathed heavily, feeling his throat close up. the room was flooded with the navy blue from the night sky, the colour lightened so slightly by the off-white tone of the moon. he had reached the point where his mind was so full that he had to let his thoughts out because he just didn’t have space for more. “please, **get out of my head, i don’t need your damn sympathy right now. i have something to figure out thats way more important than you, if you’re even there. are you real?”**

he paused and waited for a response. _insane._

he took a few glasses of water into his room along with a water bottle. he looked at the guitar that was still laying idly against his desk, calling out to him. “i need some sleep.” he sighed and laid down on the bed again, this time sprawled out in a starfish position. he wanted to give up and let his thoughts completely overtake him, but he knew how lethal that would be. giving up was just... so much easier. but life was never about the easy road, was it?

even the sound of light summer showers wasn’t enough to calm his active thoughts.

he wanted to scream. he wanted to scream so loud that australia would hear it, but alas, he opened his mouth and no sound dared to leave his mouth. **“please... make this a little easier for me. if you’re there, please just tell me. give me a sign, open my curtains if you need any ideas, give me something!”**

**there it was. the sound of moving curtains.**

he picked up his phone for the first time in four days. worried messages from various friends, four days-worth of such. the light lit up his exhausted expression. he wrote a quick message to everyone who had asked if he was okay.

 **Robert:** _i promise i’m fine. i just need some time to deal with some personal stuff :)_

his finger hovered over river’s contact. he wondered how they were dealing with it. they sighed and closed their messages app without a word to river. he knew what he had to say had to be said in person as soon as possible so he wouldn’t have second thoughts.

he once again strived for whatever amount of sleep he could rally, but after half an hour of trying, he ended up giving up. he walked into the bathroom with some clothes. he washed his face and changed. he quickly put on deodorant and then put on a dark green hoodie. he didn’t bother to bring anything with him - he left his home in a hurry. it was the middle of the night, it was a sweltering hot temperature outside and the rain, that was somehow coming from the sky still, didn’t help with that. he didn’t bother to get into his car and drive. he couldn’t see too well, his reactions were slow and he was tired. it would’ve been too dangerous.

after ten minutes or so, he arrived at river’s doorstep, knocking on the door. he caught his breath. he was soaking from the rain. he ran a hand through his hair, and river answered the door. “listen, i’m sorry for not speaking to you for so long, i had to figure myself out but after tonight i think i know how i feel.” he took a deep breath and so, with all the brevity and clarity robert could muster in his moment of lethargy and need with his mind overtaken and overruled by exhaustion, he uttered the words that would forever change the course of his life, for better or for worse, in life and death,

”i love you too, river.”

he sighed with relief. just being able to say those words alleviated a massive tension from his chest that he didn’t even know he was bearing. is this what it feels like to be in love? he thought he’d figured it out multiple times, but this... this was different. this was real.

”robert, i-“

“i’m sorry it took me so long to figure out. i understand if you can’t forgive me but-“

”robert, listen to me. it’s okay, it was partially my fault. i kinda sparked the whole situation by not being able to control myself. come inside, you look like you’ve been through it all this week.” river put an arm around his shoulders and took him inside. they shut the door and robert looked up at them.

”thank you.” he mumbled. river nodded and quickly got a towel from the bathroom.

”here, dry off your hair. you’ll catch a cold.”

”in the middle of a summer like this?” he laughed shakily. “i don’t think so.”

”alright, it’s your illness.” they returned jokingly. robert was still slowly gaining back his lighthearted, fun mannerisms. he knew it’d take him a little while considering he’s bouncing back from feeling dead. “are you staying here tonight or are you gonna head back to your place?”

robert leant against the back of the couch with the towel hanging over his wrist and forearm. “i’ll probably go back to mine so you don’t have to worry about taking care of me.” he shrugged. he still felt slightly empty. he was trying to pick himself up again. he knew how slow of a process it’d be, but he felt oddly motivated now that he’d said the words that originally looked down at him and morphed his mental state so he was a husk.

”okay, but if you need anything, just text me and i’ll be right over.”

robert nodded. “i’ll see you later, river.”

”see ya, rob.”

robert waved and left, heading back home. he walked through his front door and locked it. he looked towards the kitchen and suddenly felt almost as if **he glitched like a game character with some dodgy coding.** he felt his mood drop once again but he tried to shake it off this time. he walked into his room and laid down. he took off his shoes and pulled the blanket over him, falling asleep with ease and a tame two or three thoughts crossing his mind.

64%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a little ironic because it’s very cold in england rn lmao


	9. this type of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m alright with you sharing this to robertidk/any other cc’s that might be mentioned UNLESS i say otherwise. if i do say otherwise, please respect that and don’t share it to them.
> 
> tw / depersonalisation

64%

a flame burned inside his heart, and this feeling he didn’t mind as much. his stomach twisted and turned itself inside out, and even this feeling he didn’t mind as much. knots tied his thoughts, but the knots turned into neat little bows - and yet, this feeling he didn’t mind as much. every negative feeling he could possibly have, he found a way to turn it into something brighter, happier. from the moment he woke up to the moment he drifted off to sleep, he felt like he was in heaven. they were always on his mind with no fail. it felt... _so_ good to finally acknowledge his true feelings for them without trying to hide it, even from himself. he was as happy as he ever could be.

a couple days after the confession, robert heard a notification tone come from his phone. he picked it up and looked at the notification. it was river.

 **River:** _hey, let’s hang out tonight._

 **Robert:** _date?_

he bit his knuckles in anticipation.

 **River:** _if that’s what you’d like it to be :) we might as well try before the feelings fizzle out, y’know?_

he almost yelled with triumph.

 **Robert:** _okay, mine at 8?_

 **River:** _sounds good to me!_

the world seemed brighter. colours were more vibrant. dull objects suddenly shone like the sun. robert felt like he had just opened his eyes for the first time. he was so infatuated by love that **he’d completely forgotten about you, and rightfully so. i hope he enjoys it while it lasts because in a few chapters’ time...**

evening came and the doorbell sounded a gentle, pleasant tone. robert hopped up from the couch excitedly. he quickly double-checked to make sure everything is as it should be. he took a deep breath and opened the door.

“hey!”

there it was. that voice that moved him. that voice that sounded like pillows. that voice that caused sparks to fly through his whole body. words weren’t enough to express his pure elation when he was around them.

”okay, space boy.” they laughed and robert snapped out of his daze. “i know i’m pretty.”

robert blushed profusely. “uh, y-yeah. you are.” he laughed and river walked in. he shut the door and rested a hand on the back of his neck. “space boy... that’s cute, you should call me that more often.”

”hm? yeah, but spaced boy and spacey boy didn’t really sound right and youre not obsessed. you’re more like... what do you love? coffee, you love coffee.”

“correct, but you’re not gonna call me coffee boy, right?” he laughed.

”coffee boyfriend?”

”please, i could melt right here at that.” he said and leant against the counter. **another glitch, forcing him back into a robotic state.** memories of the night he confessed flooded back -

_‘fuck.’_

\- and he felt his heart drop in his chest that now felt so hollow and empty as opposed to its fullness just a moment ago. a loud ringing in his ears stopped him from hearing anything, as if **someone was trying to tell him the truth and it was being withheld from him.**

”robert.” river said with a sort of stern tone. “you aren’t okay, i can tell.” they examined the wide-eyed expression on his face.

”no- i am. i’m fine.” his voice sounded significantly more alert than it previously did. he shook his hair a bit and pushed himself off the counter. he couldn’t tell river about that night. they’d blame it on themself when it wasn’t their fault. he couldn’t do that to them.

“please talk to me.”

”you’re gonna think i’m crazy.”

”oh, robert, i already think that.” they tried to lighten the mood.

**”do you ever feel... fake?”**

”what? what do you mean by fake?”

**”forced. do you ever feel like you’re not in control? like your memories are forced or like you’re remembering someone else’s childhood?”**

“i don’t get it.”

”nevermind, it’s a better idea to just not tell you. **if i do you’ll either stop talking to me or...** just... nevermind. i’m okay, i promise.” Robert dismissed the issue, and so did River, however worriedly.

They spent the night hanging out and playing board games, just as they did before the wedding. **It was just then that Robert began to hear more music that sounded so familiar, even though he'd never heard it before, and in fact he knew it so well he once again thought he'd written it.**

**"confession..." "pewds..." "amnesia..."**

_amnesia?_

he wasn't spaced out this time, but his speech was definitely slowed and distracted.

after a while, robert decided that maybe it wasnt best for them to be around eachother while he was like this.

"maybe we should hang out another time, i don't feel too good." robert hated lying through his teeth to anyone, but he knew he needed to do this. he couldn't spend the entire night ignoring them because **you were too busy occupying his every thought. can't you give him a break for once?**

river nodded, frowning. "alright, but be sure to text me if you need anything alright?"

robert nodded, and river left. he laid down on the couch and let his hands fall over his face.

**"why are you doing this to me? i don't even know who you are but you're definitely not a part of this world. not even this universe. how... how do you exist? if you do?"**

**you answered with your name. your voice rang through his house, no longer a home now that you’ve infiltrated. you can’t let him have nice things, can you?**

**"so... you do exist? im not going crazy?"**

robert heard a "yes". he got up and went to check the mindmap he was working on those weeks ago. suddenly, everything on the page seemed to make a clear, neat explanation for everything that he was experiencing. he connected the dots and he suddenly felt like an idiot for not noticing it sooner. it was like this for a few moments, staring at the page in awe, until he was unexpectedly enveloped in doubt. 

”there’s no way. you- it can’t be. can it?”

and thus, the words on the page once again appeared just as they did before - a clutter of incoherent words, denials of existence, arguments between him and his brain spilled out onto the page and so on and so forth, **yet something deep inside him told him he was wrong to doubt himself. maybe it was you. maybe it was me. maybe it was just a gut feeling he had. i don’t know, i’m just a writer.**

78%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t know if anyone will need to hear this after reading but remember that you’re real :)
> 
> also i’m gonna start trying to write at least 1k words every chapter
> 
> is it narcissistic to be excited for the end of your own book lmao- i’m actually so excited lol i know how i’m gonna write it and oh boy i think i got a good one here


	10. long-distance love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something different in this chapter. i wonder if you can spot it?
> 
> if you need a hint, go to the percentages in all the chapters including this one and compare.

**70%**

a notification sound had just come from robert’s phone, and the screen lit up with river’s message;

 **River:** _hey, i need you to come over asap i have bad news_

 **River:** _well, it’s half bad half good idk_

robert was easing himself out of his sleepy state after his shower, sitting at the table eating breakfast when he got their message. the ease turned into a jolt and he took a sip from his mug, rubbed his eyes and looked at it, reading it over, double and triple checking he was seeing it right, doing double-takes on his own mind to try and calm himself down. there’s no way it’s as bad as his mind was misleading him to believe.

 **robert:** _i’ll be there in 10_

he grabbed a thin flannel shirt and put it over the white t-shirt he was currently wearing. he put his phone and keys in his pocket, finished eating as quick as he could and left the house.

he got to river's house, and when he knocked on the door, their response was almost instant. "hey. what's wrong?"

”uh... come inside. we have things we need to talk about.”

this peaked robert’s interest, but even more his anxiety.

”like what?”

they both sat down. river had already made a cup of coffee for robert. “so, before i get onto the main part of what we need to talk about, i want to clear some things up. uh...” they hesitated before continuing to speak. “what are we?”

robert processed the question and thought to himself. “i don’t know. that’s really up to you. do you remember what i told you on that friday after school, back in **chapter two?”**

river chuckled a bit. “back when?”

“back at the start of the summer holidays, when you asked me to go to the park, while we were there i told you that if i’m not sure how to describe our relationship then i’ll leave it up to you. that’s this moment.”

”what i’m about to tell you might change what i would say had i not been accepted into my, uh... dream college.”

”river, that’s great! i’m so proud of you!” he smiled and took a sip from his mug. “why would that change your answer, though?”

”did i not tell you where the college is?” river responded, and robert shook his head. “it’s in London.”

”okay, so?-“ he questioned, again, why that would change their answer, before quickly realising. “oh.” he winced slightly as he felt his heart drop in his chest. “well... we could still make it work. lots of people do.”

”no, robert. lots of people don’t.”

”we have to at least try, right? then we can’t say we didn’t at least give it a go. if we’re truly romantic soulmates, we’ll get through it, right?”

”i guess you’re right.”

”and let’s not forget the fact we both got accepted into our first choice colleges! barely anyone can pull that off!” robert gushed, and his heart lifted when he saw a smile develop onto river’s face. he took their hand, and lowered his tone to one that was softer as he spoke again. “we can do this, i know it. i have a feeling.”

**who knew that feeling would end up being his biggest backfire? and it’s your fault it backfired. if you had just kept quiet, he never would’ve become... hey! don’t shut me out! i made this world, you better listen to me! hey! stop it-!** ****

robert looked around, hearing some voices.

**ah, damn it. he heard me.**

“robert?”

**“right, sorry, i just... thought i heard something.”**

“alright. so anyway, ever since you suggested that me coming over, like, a week ago was a date, i’ve been considering you my boyfriend, but i kept forgetting to actually ask, and today was a good opportunity to do so.”

”that makes sense.” he shrugged and looked into his coffee mug. he drank the rest of it and looked up at river. “okay. i guess that makes us in a relationship, then.” he smiled softly, trying not to think about the fact he was about to be in a long-distance relationship, thousands of miles between the two, only able to communicate virtually. “these next few years are going to be so slow without you.” he admitted lightheartedly, yet his expression dampened to a sorrowful smile. 

“it’s just like you said. we can do this. it’ll be difficult at first, but i’m sure we’ll adjust.” they reassured. “i booked my flight into London for two weeks from now. how about we clear our calendars and just have a massive two-week-long sleepover?” they suggested, and robert’s eyes lit up. river noticed it and laughed. “i’ll take that as a yes. c’mon, let’s go pack my stuff so we can go to yours.”

80%

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy, oh dear, i’m nOT READY we’re getting so close to the end now omg


	11. departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw / hospitals, reference to jubilee line and in turn suicide/suicidal thoughts

98%

there it was, the dreaded alarm that robert feared the past two weeks. an alarm set for 2 in the morning, allowing the two time to get ready and get to the airport while still managing to get some sleep. he turned the alarm off and groaned. these hours were the countdown he never wished to experience. he got up and got ready, showering, changing into a black shirt, black jeans and a red flannel shirt. he brushed his teeth and grabbed his phone and keys. he was about to leave his room to go find where river was when he had an idea. he grabbed a couple of his hoodies and sprayed them with his cologne. he folded them and then left his room, seeing River already packed and ready to go, looking down at their phone with a sorrowful smile.

”what’cha looking at thats making you so happy?” robert said lightheartedly, walking over to them.

river showed him their screen. “that picture of you that i took when we met at that pizza place downtown. you were so happy there, like you were in your element.”

”yeah, and now i’ve got a frown ‘cos you’re leaving me here alone.” he laughed a bit to try and clear the grey, melancholic atmosphere in the room. “listen, um, i know this is probably what everyone does but i wanted to do it anyway... take these with you. maybe this way you’ll feel more connected to me when i can’t physically be there or talk to you because of timezones.” he said with an optimistic tone, handing the hoodies to river.

”robert! don’t make me cry!” they laughed softly and took the hoodies. “okay, c’mon, we have to go.”

the pair left and got in the car. robert turned on the engine and started driving. 

after a few hours of blasting music, short breaks at gas stations and cracking jokes, they arrived at the airport at 5 in the morning.

”remind me, what time does your flight leave?”

”two hours from now.”

”damn, that’s all we’ve got?” robert frowned. river attempted to cheer him up.

”it’s better than no time at all, right? and besides, you’re gonna see me again. **It’s not like i’m dying or anything.”**

robert nodded and took their hand. “okay. how about we call every day? it’ll be hard to do because of timezones.”

”i don’t mind staying up to talk to you. besides, my classes are in the evening, so i can rest during the day.” they assured him.

two hours of talking seemed to morph into two minutes, and that was the end of their time together. River’s flight was announced to be boarding over the intercom and they both stood up. river hugged him. “I’ll call you as soon as i land, okay? i’ll see you in eight hours, robert.” river’s voice shook. they both wished that they didn’t have to let go, but they did and robert waved River goodbye as they got on the plane. Robert sighed and left the airport. he got back in the car and drove back home, listening to music to try and ease his thoughts. he ran a hand through his hair, thinking affirmations to himself, _‘you’ll be fine. you’ll see them again.’_

The next 4 months went quite slow, various conversations taking place every day. that was until the last few days went by, no calls, no texts, gone with no word to Robert. he was worried beyond any amount of worry he’d felt in his life. one particularly cold day on one December 13th, he got a phone call. he picked it up.

”Hello?”

a heavy british accent robert didn’t recognise blared from the phone.

“Hello, am I speaking to Robert?”

”Um... can i ask who this is?”

”this is your partner’s doctor from Stratford Hospital. You were down as their emergency contact, are you able to come down to the hospital?”

robert’s mind was racing even more. he couldn’t concentrate.

”sorry, um... do you mind explaining the situation?”

“we’re unaware of the cause of your partner’s illness, but they’re dangerously ill. i don’t want to panic you, but in the events that they aren’t able to make decisions for themself, you need to be there to make those decisions for them.”

”is tomorrow a soon enough time to be there?”

”sir, i understand you may have other arrangements made but this is urgent-“

”it’s not that. i live in canada.”

”The sooner you can be here the better.”

”alright, thank you for calling me.”

that was the end of the call. robert started packing what he needed, and only that. he went and booked a flight as soon as he could.

hours later, he boarded his flight. the flight seemed to take an eternity, but finally, he landed in England the next day. he got off the plane when he was able to, and headed towards the train station. thank god for the maps on the station or he would be completely lost. as he waited for the train, he looked at the barriers. he then looked up at the map;

_Welcome to the Tube Line._

he then looked at the sign on the wall of the station, a big red circle with a blue line through it. the text on the blue line read, in big, bold letters;

_STRATFORD_

a segment of one of the conversations he had with river suddenly came back to him. “there’s a reason london puts barriers on the tube line...” he mumbled to himself, in reference to the conversation. river never actually told him why, but he could infer for himself. he heard a whooshing sound, and a train could be seen so barely from where he was sat - the red and white colours of the train were dampened to a murky grey-brown colour due to the barriers.

he arrived at the hospital. everything blurred. he just heard muffled voices, his vision distorted through his tearful, concerned eyes. the doctors allowed him into river’s hospital room. he walked in and sat down, cautiously, slowly. the world seemed to be moving in slow motion and moving ten times faster at the same time. river opened their eyes. “Kind of ironic, huh?”

”what’s ironic, river?” he said, trying not to cry.

”i told you before i left that it’s not like i’m dying. and here we are.”

”no, no, river, you aren’t. you’re not dying.”

”what’re you gonna do, stop me?” they chuckled weakly.

“river, please...”

”sorry. this is just how i cope. i know i’ll be fine, just... please don’t make yourself sick with worry.”

“i won’t, i promise, river.” he held their hand.

”careful now, it hurts like hell when they put in the IV. i don’t wanna do it more than i have to.” they laughed a bit. robert smiled.

”at least you’ve still got your humour.”


	12. your fault.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end of the line, told from Robert’s perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw / death, depersonalisation and direct reference to your city gave me asthma, an album which directly references sensitive topics.
> 
> please also note that this entire chapter is rooted in placing the blame on you as the reader. if that makes you uncomfortable, anxious or anything like that i recommend not reading :)

100%

robert’s pov

a week or two had passed since River was discharged from the hospital. i still remember that wave of relief i felt come over me when the doctor let them go home and told them everything would be alright, **but it turns out you had different plans.**

i remember waking up to a light thud. the doctor had told me to stay in England for a few weeks to make sure everything was in fact okay with River’s health. I shot out of bed and went to river’s room as quick as i could in my groggy state - after all, i literally had just woken up. i knocked on their bedroom door.

”river?”

no response.

“river, if you don’t say anything in the next five seconds, i’m coming in.”

yet again, no response.

“alright...” i muttered under my breath before opening the door a little and peeking through the space between the doorframe and the door. “river?” i knew something wasn’t right, and i knew it was because of... because of you. all of this was because of you.

”oh my god...”

an old legend was passed around my family. if you thought your platonic soulmate was your romantic soulmate, one of you would die from unknown causes. i guess i was wrong about them, wasn’t I?

i wasn’t a single bit wrong about you though.

i was frozen to the ground in a panic-stricken moment. i tried moving, i tried breaking free but you kept me there. you kept me from saving river. you can say all you want that they couldn’t be saved but i refuse to believe that you’re the one i was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

i managed to get closer. i quickly knelt on the floor and river hummed inquisitively.

”are you alright?” i asked. i tried not to show the anxiousness i felt.

“robert, i think...” they paused to catch their breath, which was catching in their throat. “i think we were wrong.”

”no, we were right, that’s not why this is happening.” i shook my head. tears welled up in my eyes. i sat on the floor against the desk and pulled river up to me. i rested my hand on their wrist and closed my eyes, concentrating. their pulse was slow, steady. just so ominously slow.

“alright, river, um... i need you to-“ my voice began to shake. i took a second to compose myself.

”need me to what?”

their voice was getting more sluggish and slurred by the second.

”keep talking to me. i need you to keep talking to me.”

a certain tone of desperation stood its ground in my voice.

”robert, i’m tired. i don’t think i...”

”okay, um... i’ll talk, you just need to stay with me. alright?” i frantically searched for a topic to talk about.

i reached for my phone, and was about to call an ambulance before i was stopped by them.

”no. no, don’t.” they grabbed my hand with the little strength they had. “this is the end of the line, robert.”

”it’s not, i won’t allow it to be.”

”you have to. you know the rules. you just have to let me go, robert.”

i took a deep breath in, and out. i leant my head back against the desk. “i know. i just... i don’t know how i’m going to get by without you.”

”you’ll do just fine. just... please let me go easily. talk to me, take my mind off of it.”

”okay, um... oh, here, remember when you told me back in october that you would really like to live in La Jolla?”

”yeah, yeah, i remember that conversation.”

”you know how i hate making promises, but someday, in another life, we will. i promise. we’ll meet again and we’ll move there, whatever it takes. we’ll be drinking cocktails on the beach over the water, our own personal sunset. someday we’ll live in La Jolla, River. i promise you that.”

”one day. one day soon, Robert.” river smiled. a glassy sheen covered over River’s eyes.

silence infiltrated the room.

”it’s okay, river. you can go if you want to.”

”i don’t want to, robert. i don’t.”

”it’s okay, just rest, alright? toss all your thoughts to the sea.”

soon, tears were rolling down both our cheeks. nothing could be said in that moment, creating a painful silence, and I just watched as they died in my arms. i felt helpless. worthless. the last moments i remember that day was just... yelling. screaming, all directed at you and your psychotic ideologies.

”it’s all your fault. you’re the reason any of this happened. and even if i’m wrong and there’s some kind of sick writer behind all of this, what’s arguably worse than that twisted author is standing back and watching when you know you could easily put it down. you could have just put the book down, but you didn’t. you decided a life was worth taking for a bit of entertainment. if you had just put the book down, you may have ended this world, but at least you would’ve done it in the least painful way. you’re so... so... inconsiderate! you’re more sick and twisted than anyone i’ve ever met!”

silence enveloped the room one final time, the most painful and heart wrenching silence of all.

I’d known there was a reason for the barriers on the tube line.

I knew there was a reason they failed.

* * *

** Epilogue **

It’s been a few days, and, well... i’ve figured out what can move me. it’s not trains and hugs, planes and sushi, like it always used to be. it was you, and river. I decided i want to live out the life River wanted for us in La Jolla, so that’s where i am now. I can’t believe i managed to talk over that narration for an entire chapter.

Yeah, that’s right.

I’ve known for so long about you.

About the real world.

About my real-world self, RobertIDK.

he seems like a nice guy.

maybe in another life i can meet him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i believe this is the only story i have ever actually 100% completed. nevertheless, we’re here. i’m quite proud of these last few chapters. it’s been a wild adventure. thank you for sticking with me through this!
> 
> and now for some grounding in case you needed reassurance after this:  
> you are real. you are in control. this isn’t a simulation. this isn’t a book or a videogame, you are 100% real. ily, stay safe <3
> 
> hey robert if ur reading this um  
> hi i hope u enjoyed this and it didn’t make you uncomfortable lmaoo


End file.
